Since I am a person who writes political humor from time to time, you may think my reasons for supporting Louie Gohmert as House Speaker are selfish. After all, writing funny copy about Gohmert can be done simply by cutting and pasting his actual words. You don't even have to edit. Just pick a few contiguous sentences from random places in transcripts of his speeches, and there are bound to be a few comic gems.
But I'm intent on building my reputation as a serious pundit, in the vein of Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, or Donald Trump, so I've come up with a list of 5 compelling reasons to support Louie Gohmert as the next Speaker of the House.
- More Obamacare Repeal Votes
It's impossible to have too many repeals of Obamacare. After all, a whole new crew of freshman Republicans are entering Congress, and we need to give them their chance at 40 or 50 Obamacare repeals. Nothing says GOP industriousness like trying to take insurance away from poor people, and to bring back pre-existing condition clauses for everyone else. Gohmert has promised to continue the tradition of health care for the few, and if it was good enough for Calvin Coolidge, and his award winning biographer Chuck C. Johnson, it's good enough for us.
2. The Great Birth Certificate Campaign
Gohmert is one of the few public figures who fully realizes how important it is that we as a nation require everyone to proudly display their birth certificate at all times. After all, you never know when a Kenyan is going to be elected president. With Donald Trump off the national stage (at least until he does or says something insane), Gohmert is our best chance of carrying the proud banner of Birtherism.
3. We need a Texan on the national stage for safety
Let's face it. Texas is a seething, hissing, pressure cooker of crazy. It's teeming with drunk militiamen with guns. If we don't periodically let the steam off, and the pressure reaches critical mass, an explosion of lunacy will result, flinging molten glops of crazy from coast to coast, and as far south as Costa Rica. The only way the nation has been able to keep the pressure at a manageable level is to have a Texan on the national news at all times, to draw off small amounts of steam. The average American knows this instinctively. How else can we explain two terms of George W. Bush?
4. Zen Metaphors
Gohmert recently stated that the wall of separation between church and state was intended by the founders to be a "one way wall". and that while the state should stay out of church concerns, the church should "certainly play a role in the state".
Forget about the tangle of policy issues which would result from breaking down the wall of separation (like how to decide whose religion would get to dictate policy). Think instead about the concept of "one-way wall". What does that actually mean? Is the wall solid from one direction, but fluid from the other? This is obviously a deeply philosophical musing, much like the Zen exercise of contemplating the sound of one hand clapping.
We need a new philosopher king, in the tradition of Marcus Aurelius, Frederick the Great, and George W. Bush. Gohmert is clearly the man to fill that role.
5. Guns in the Elementary Schools
Gohmert is well known for his assertion that the principal of Sandy Hook Elementary School should have been armed. What a wonderful idea. As Speaker of the House it's doubtful that Gohmert would be able to fully realize his plan of arming untrained, underpaid, stressed out civil servants, who spend the day in the company of screaming children (what could possibly go wrong with that scenario?) But someone needs a bully pulpit to advocate turning our schools into armed compounds.
So there you have it. Five reasons Louie Gohmert should be the next Speaker of the House, none of which have anything to do with the enormous comedic possibilities a Gohmert win would present. Get on the phone to your member of Congress and make this happen. Your nation, and Texas, need you.